Fatherguilt

In my sometimes paid sometimes job I have noticed a phenomenon since I became a Mum.

As a corporate trainer one of the topics I facilitate is about internal dialogue (or your inner voice, self talk, or whatever the current catchphrase is.)  One of the activities we ask people to do is share an activity that produces really positive internal dialogue for them, something they do well, or that gives them a sense of achievement. Eg Completing a run, playing a musical instrument well, etc.

One day I asked the standard question and a man in the room put up his hand and said “ I am a really great Dad”.

Had I heard correctly? For one thing, I had pegged this guy as a stoner. For another he was in a training room with me so therefore clearly not a stay-at-home  Dad who has decided to shun tradition to homeschool his children, teach them five languages and lovingly make three organic meals a day for his offspring.  Even more shocking , men in the room started to nod in agreement. What was this? And then it continued Every. Time. I. Ran. This. Course. All kinds of Dads - Married men, divorced men, men who quite frankly seemed to be surprised they had managed to make it to work at all – coming out in a public forum and saying they were great Dads.

And what really bothered me about this is that you would NEVER get women saying they were great Mums in this scenario. For one thing, they would be too busy worrying that the school lunches they had packed might have not enough fruit but too much yoghurt, and is this turning their children into sugar addicts? And have they ruined their kids chances on the social ladder by choosing the wrong birthday party to attend when there’s a calendar clash? And will little Bella be scarred for life by not being allowed to have a Bratz doll? And what will the other Mums say because they have missed canteen duty again this month? And.... oh, well you see where this is going.

Most of all though,  Mums would not out themselves like this because it would open them up to judgement from other mothers.  Other  Mums would then be entitled to say, “She’s not a great mum, her 4 year old won’t even poo on the toilet” “She didn’t even breastfeed” “She works fulltime, she doesn’t even see her kids” “She doesn’t even work, what kind of example is that setting”, And on it goes.

So it dawned on me. These Dads weren’t judging each other. They thought they were great Dads because they loved their kids. They were showing up and giving it a go. They didn’t feel guilty because they were doing the best job they could. They didn't have fatherguilt.

We Mums could learn something from this, I’m sure.  We could be less judgemental of other mums and so much less judgemental of ourselves. We are great Mums because we love our kids and we should be able to say it out loud.

Here’s hoping, I know I’m not quite there yet. I mean, I’m not even working at the moment and I’ve still got two kids in daycare today, and I’m writing a blog instead of enriching the baby’s cognitive experiences and.....